When faced with the prospect of meeting with a confrontational employee, the project manager of a New Hampshire insurance company heaved a sigh. Not again, he thought to himself. Every conversation with this guy is a struggle.

He decided to use the meeting as an opportunity to shift perspective and try a new approach. He began by imagining that the employee had good intentions but was a bit rough around the edges. He considered that maybe if he aligned with the employee, he might be better able to direct him. First, he arranged the office chairs so that instead of face to face, they were at oblique angles and generally facing the same direction. Then he took a few deep breaths and opened the door.

The employee began by stating with intensity all that was going wrong with the project. The manager's initial reaction was to resist the attack, but he refocused his attention on listening and understanding and sat quietly for a while. Instead of coming back with answers or a rebuttal, he found himself asking the employee what he thought the real nature of the problem was and what actions he would suggest to solve it. The confrontational atmosphere diffused and gave way to a sense of collaboration. The two were aligned physically in their chairs and now conceptually in the way they approached the problem. The change the manager made in himself turned out to be very effective, and both manager and employee began to work on solving the issues facing the project.

From Tormentor to Teacher

It's hard to like everyone. Some colleagues are great partners; we know their style and blend easily with them. We "dance well together." With others we always seem to be out of step. We wonder, How can they be that way? or What makes them tick? Or worse - we don't care; we just want to be as far away as possible.

The problem is we still have to work with these people, and our reactivity in their presence gives them a kind of power over us. However, by seeking to understand the opponent, we take the initiative. At worst, we learn something. At best, we may turn them into an ally and improve the quality of the work environment.

But how do you turn a tormentor into a teacher? Begin by asking yourself some questions about who they are and why they behave the way they do.

Who is this person away from the workplace? See the different parts of this person - the parent, grandparent, friend, dancer, skier, singer, or loved one (of someone!). Chances are you're only seeing the annoying part of your tormentor. Widen your perspective.

What is their positive intention? Underneath the

Why don't scientists trust atoms?

Because they make up everything.

Look for a company that's proud of their track record. Beware of the company that doesn't seem interested in getting the word out about their business. Remember, if there's nothing to hide, the business will be very open to questions. If you ask questions and are spoken down to, it's not a company you want to be a part of.

Watch your wallet. A company worth it's salt won't require you to put up great sums of money for worthless kits mainly filled with information and little else. They won't get defensive if you ask to talk to others they say have made good money selling their product. In fact, most great companies are only too happy to have their distributors share the promise of their company.

Breathe Mindfully

The process of mindful breathing is a form of meditation; however it is also a great way to get more oxygen into your blood and tissues. If you start right now and pay attention to how you are breathing, it is more than likely that you will find yourself breathing quite shallowly. This is not a healthy breathing pattern. You can start out by just inhaling completely and then slowly exhaling completely. If you take one minute to just do this focused breathing each day, you will find that you feel better during that minute. And, you will catch yourself paying attention to your breathing several times throughout the day. If you are stressed or tired, take a minute out of your day to breathe mindfully.